My belly clamped in a knot of fear. I was alone and in the dark, laying on a hospital bed with its aluminum bars raised. They offered no security to a 15 year old who was set to have his diseased left kidney removed the next day. I prayed, but it felt like trying to hurl bricks to heaven. I was in deep trouble, and my belly knew it was going to be sliced in the morning. The only sleep I got was when they knocked me out for the operation.
I woke in the recovery room, feeling chilled plasma going into a vein and hearing a voice say “you’re bleeding internally. We’re going to have to operate again.” I asked if I was going to die. They said no, but how could I believe them? I fell back into the darkness.
The second operation stopped the bleeding, and I remember being wheeled out of the intensive care unit. I was relieved to see my Dad, who had been pacing by the door.
I recovered and eventually went back to school but with a belly still clinched like a fist. This brush with death led me to a church group, where I desperately wanted to feel God’s Love and know he is real. I thought I felt it one day, but later wondered if my fevered wanting hadn’t created the effect. I muddled along -- the knot everpresent -- for 20 some years until I was slammed harder by the death of my best friend as we played tennis. This time, I found comfort in the stories of those who had near-death experiences. Every time they talked about being embraced by a great, loving light my eyes welled with tears. God’s Love and Life after death seemed so real to them.
Expecting to just bask in the stories, I went to Huston in 2006 for the annual meeting of the International Association of Near-Death Studies. But I was in for much more. After one of the talks, a guy got up and struggled -- physically and emotionally -- to ask a question. It seemed he was overwhelmed by a recent near-death experience.
I instinctively started to pray for him. The harder he struggled, the harder I prayed until something amazing happened. The old knot in my belly broke for a moment, and a giant wave rolled out of my belly. The most wonderful feeling rose through my chest and sailed out the top of my head. Wow! As my head tingled, I suddenly realized my problem was not that my belly was filled with fear. There was a tremendous amount of Love there waiting to be freed. The thought still makes me dizzy. A little while later, I also realized I had been taught another big lesson: If you want to feel the Love of God, get busy and Love somebody else.
