Fear Is Not the Real Thing

My belly clamped in a knot of fear.  I was alone and in the dark, laying on a hospital bed with its aluminum bars raised.  They offered no security to a 15 year old who was set to have his diseased left kidney removed the next day. I prayed, but it felt like trying to hurl bricks to heaven.  I was in deep trouble, and my belly knew it was going to be sliced in the morning.  The only sleep I got was when they knocked me out for the operation. 

 I woke in the recovery room, feeling chilled plasma going into a vein and hearing a voice say “you’re bleeding internally.  We’re going to have to operate again.”   I asked if I was going to die.  They said no, but how could I believe them?  I fell back into the darkness.

The second operation stopped the bleeding, and I remember being wheeled out of the intensive care unit.  I was relieved to see my Dad, who had been pacing by the door. 

I recovered and eventually went back to school but with a belly still clinched like a fist. This brush with death led me to a church group, where I desperately wanted to feel God’s Love and know he is real.  I thought I felt it one day, but later wondered if my fevered wanting hadn’t created the effect.  I muddled along -- the knot everpresent -- for 20 some years until I was slammed harder by the death of my best friend as we played tennis.  This time, I found comfort in the stories of those who had near-death experiences.  Every time they talked about being embraced by a great, loving light my eyes welled with tears.  God’s Love and Life after death seemed so real to them. 

Expecting to just bask in the stories, I went to Huston in 2006 for the annual meeting of  the International Association of Near-Death Studies.  But I was in for much more.  After one of the talks, a guy got up and struggled -- physically and emotionally -- to ask a question.  It seemed he was overwhelmed by a recent near-death experience. 

I instinctively started to pray for him.  The harder he struggled, the harder I prayed until something amazing happened.  The old knot in my belly broke for a moment, and a giant wave rolled out of  my belly.  The most wonderful feeling rose through my chest and sailed out the top of my head.  Wow!  As my head tingled, I suddenly realized my problem was not that my belly was filled with fear. There was a tremendous amount of Love there  waiting to be freed. The thought still makes me dizzy.  A little while later, I also realized I had been taught another big lesson:  If you want to feel the Love of God, get busy and Love somebody else.